Random Thoughts

1. What I Know...

It's been 6 weeks. 6 very long weeks. So long I don't remember anything or anyone that happened before June 15, 2008. I've been in a foggy sleep deprived stance and I can barely put one foot in front of the other some days. But I can't complain. Not just because, "it could be worse", or that the babies are doing so well, or because I have a good attitude. I can't complain because of what I know. And what I know is that I have been led and prepared to this very point in life, and no matter how tired I get-I cannot deny that I know and knew:

• -I would have a hard time having children
• -that "this is not a punishment"
• -that I would have to endure fertility treatments several times
• -that the result would end in heartache at first
• -that by "next Mother's Day I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore"
• -that even though I wanted to give up, that we needed to give God "one more chance"
• -that I would get pregnant this time
• -that I would have twins
• -that they would be a boy and a girl
• -that I would have some scares, but in the end everything would work out
• -that I needed to "be prepared"
• -that they would come early
• -that they will be okay--but life won't be getting any easier from here on out!

I almost didn't go to church today-but I'm glad I did because it gave me a chance to ponder the great blessing of personal revelation. And I am so grateful for these and the countless other examples of how the Lord speaks to our minds and even if we miss it the first time around, we can look back and recognize how very carefully we are led. Even though these last four years have presented me with some of the "hardest things I'll ever have to do" I know that I was prepared and guided from a very young age. And I know that is how God loves us.

2. Like Family

Ryan and I heard several times going in to the whole NICU experience that the people there become like your family. I scoffed at this because I couldn't really believe that I would want a stranger to come to know my kids that well. But I have to say that I am finally a believer. And it's not just the nurses either. The other moms and dads have become a regular part of our hospital visit. We connect while scrubbing our hands over birth weights and oxygen levels, air temperature and mls of milk. When T got moved into his crib we rejoiced. When B had to stop feedings our heart sank. When we see the B family we count our blessings and we are careful not to brag about our kid's progress when we hear the mom say, "It's been 3 months, did you know that?" When the other monitors in the room beep, we check to make sure the nurses have noticed. And when someone goes home, it brings the rest of us so much hope. Ryan and I are slow to consider people heroes. But I think we both agree that these people who come in day after day to make sure that these little ones are well taken care of most certainly deserve the title. And I don't include us in that statement. To me I have learned more from them than I ever could imagine. I don't know the name of the woman with twin girls that I talk to everyday, but I do know what she believes. "Prayer can do amazing things," she says. Yes, it certainly can.

3. The First Lecture

In my spare time a few days ago, I picked up a copy of the book, "The Last Lecture" by Randy Pausch. If you don't know, he was a professor who was asked to give a last lecture which I guess is a common occurrence in academia. You get to say what you would want to tell people in case it's your last chance. Well, in his case it really was his last chance. He died of cancer 2 days ago (coincidentally the day I started reading this). Some of what he had to say is related to his field and didn't mean much to me, but the rest of it I think can and should have a profound impact on the rest of us. You can look up the lecture and watch it on You Tube. I'm too lazy to include a link...anyway...

it got me thinking that I would want to create a "First Lecture". I'm not close to dying (I hope) but I definitely want my kids to have a legacy of me, and I hope that I can let them know what is important to me from the very beginning. I hope that I don't let "things" get in the way of truly showing them who we are as parents, and why we do what we do.

Things like self-esteem. Randy talks about his football coach and how hard he was. This is what he has to say about him:

"There's a lot of talk these days about giving children self-esteem. It's
not something you can give; it's something they have to build. Coach Graham
worked in a no-coddling zone. Self-esteem? He knew there was really only one way to teach kids how to develop it: You give them something they can't do, they
work hard until they find they can do it, and you just keep repeating the
process."

There are other bits of wisdom from this lecture that I have found enjoyable. I haven't finished it yet. But I've read enough to have thought all day about what I would want to write about if it were me. And I think that (at least in this moment) the most important thing I want my children and others to know is how happy we are being married to each other. That the only reason our family works is because "marriage is ordained of God" and we do our best to make each other happy. And I know that if we can continue to do this, there isn't much else to worry about.

So those are my thoughts today. Thanks for bearing with me. I know it's not that eloquent but I wanted to get it all down before I lost the motivation.

Oh, and Happy Birthday Royce!